


An attempt at soothing words

by Meriani



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst-y, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, canonverse, post chapter 90
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-23
Updated: 2018-04-23
Packaged: 2019-04-26 21:50:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,786
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14411271
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Meriani/pseuds/Meriani
Summary: Originally planned for the “Hurt/Comfort” prompt of Jearmin week 2018.While testing something with his Titan, Armin lost control of it and injured Jean and several other people. Much anxiety and guilt ensue.





	An attempt at soothing words

**Author's Note:**

> As I said, I originally planned to write this for Jearmin Week and the prompt “Hurt/Comfort” but life happened and I didn’t have time to finish it until now. It’s set during the first months of the timeskip after the Return to Shiganshina arc. Please don’t pay too much attention as to how likely the events that are said to have led to this actually are. The setting just popped into my mind.

Voices talking quietly nearby. The soft shuffling of footsteps. A little draught of air over his face. And pain. A dull, throbbing pain he couldn’t quite situate.

Jean opened his eyes to a white ceiling and soft declining sunlight. With a groan, he tried to sit. And failed, a sudden sharp pain in his side sending him back on the bed.

“Ah, you’re back.”

He turned his head. Connie and Sasha where staring at him, looking somewhat worried. Behind them, what he recognized to be the setting of the infirmary. He tried to sit up again, and this time managed it, just as Connie extended a hand to help him. Wincing at the pain, he rubbed his face and mumbled:

“’the hell am I doing here?”

“You were knocked off. You don’t remember?”

Jean looked at his friends. Memories flooded back into his mind as he examined himself. Almost his whole body was painful. He had huge bruises everywhere, some burns, his entire right side hurt like hell, and his right arm too.

_We were trying some stuff with Armin’s Titan and he lost control… And…I got hit? Shit._

“I do. More or less.” He finally answered.

“You frightened the hell out of us, dude” Connie said.

Sasha nodded and added:“The titan hit you pretty hard. It could have killed you.”

 _Ok, so I guess I was lucky. But I feel like shit._ Almost as if he’s been beaten up. But his mind quickly turned to other worries.

“How’s Armin? You managed to get him out of the titan, didn’t you? Has anyone else been hurt?”

Connie gestured vaguely in the general direction of the dormitories.

“Yes, Mikasa’s got him out. He seems fine. He’s still sleeping, for all I know.”

A sharp relief he didn’t expect flooded Jean. “And the others?”

“There’s a few light burns, bruises, stuff like that. Nothing really bad. You’re by far the worst.”

More relief. Thank gods. But Armin wasn’t going to like that. The blond was already feeling bad enough about his new power and what had happened in Shiganshina. He really didn’t need to be responsible for hurting anyone, however lightly. He wasn’t going to feel good about that. Not at all…

 _Damn_. But nothing to be done here if he wasn’t awake yet. Speaking of…

“How long have I been here anyway?”

“About four or five hours I think.”

_What?_

 

* * *

 

 

_…Forgotten voices tugging at his mind, trying to drown him in them. Distant hatred. The overwhelming feeling of something that wasn’t right. Shadows and faces glaring at him, pulling him into darkness, trying to get the better of him. And a giant skinless head full of both sadness and hatred, staring, staring…_

With a jolt, Armin awoke from an all too familiar feeling, a landmark of his nightmares. He sat up, feeling nauseated and disoriented.

“Armin?”

He startled. Mikasa was looking at him, brow creased, from a chair beside his bed. Eren sat nearby.

“How do you feel?”

How did he feel? Bad. Tired. What had happened? He searched his foggy memory. They had been experimenting with the titan, and… And what?

“Armin?” Mikasa again.

“What happened?”

“You don’t remember?” this from Eren.

“No. I…”

Why couldn’t he remember? _Oh. So it probably means that…_

“I lost control, didn’t I?”

They exchanged a look. Then, “Yes.” A simple, flat statement from Mikasa. Nothing more. No judgment. She set a reassuring hand on his arm. Armin’s attention got caught by the red traces on her skin and some bandaging around her lower arm that had been revealed when her sleeve had slipped back slightly.

“Mikasa, what’s that?” he had a very good idea of what it was but still voiced the question. He so wanted to be wrong, even if there was next to no chance that he was.

She hastily tugged her sleeve back and folded her hands on her lap. “Nothing.”

What she did confirmed Armin’s worries. _Oh no._

“I did that.” It wasn’t even a question, but an acknowledgment. “Mikasa, I’m so sorry, I…”

She interrupted him: “It’s nothing, I told you. Don’t worry. It’s not your fault. You didn’t intend to. Besides, it wasn’t really _you_.”

“But I still did it” he said bitterly. _It’s still my fault. You’re hurt because of me. My lack of strength just endangered you and the others…_

Armin froze at the thought. If Mikasa was hurt, then maybe someone else… _Gods please, no_. He was so, so afraid of the answer, but he needed to ask:

“Is everyone all right? I…”he swallowed “I didn’t hurt anyone else, did I?”

He could tell by the uneasy look on their faces that he had.

_Oh, please, no…_

Mikasa interrupted his spiralling thoughts before they could go any further into darkness.

“Nothing bad! A few burns and scratches. That’s all. Everyone’s alright.”

Armin felt his mind ease a bit. Then shame at his own feelings. How could he feel like that? How could he be _relieved_ to have hurt someone?

“Really?” Was that even possible?

Mikasa shifted a bit.

“Well, Jean also got knocked out, and frightened Connie and Sasha, but he seemed fine when he woke up so…”

Armin didn’t really pay attention to her last words. His mind was struck on the first ones.

“He got…what?” There was a faint squeak in his voice. He could feel his face had gone white. His alarm – mingled with guilt – must have shown on his features because Mikasa hastily added:

“He’s fine, Armin. I saw him do some work a few hours ago. He even came by when you were still sleeping. Wanted to see if you were ok.”

Nothing in his friend’s words really helped to ease his mind from both guilt and worry. _I need to see him_. Just to be sure. See with his own two eyes if he was alright. And apologize.

_What do I have to do? What is wrong with me? Why am I so incapable of doing anything right?! I can’t keep on endangering everyone like that. We can’t afford that. What do I need to just…?_

He realized he had been silent for a rather long time, wringing his hands nervously, when Eren quietly said. “Don’t overwork yourself about that, Armin. It was bound to happen. It probably doesn’t even have much to do with you. It took me a long time too to control this power, after all. And it wasn’t the Colossal.”

It sounded as if he had read his mind. But it was more likely he simply knew him too well. And knew how to read his expressions.

 _We don’t have the time! We can’t afford to wait for me to magically master this power. It needs to work. And quickly. I can’t be useless anymore. Not after all that happened_. How could he concentrate, with all these memories gnawing at him?

“Armin.” Mikasa’s quiet voice once more brought him back from his sombre thoughts. “Eren’s right. Please. Don’t torment yourself. You can do it.”

They really read him way to well. Both to keep his mind away from remorse and other dark thoughts, and to change the subject, he asked “How long have I been here?” He started to get up as Eren answered: “Almost one and a half day”.

_That long?! What even…_

_No. No. Stop that. Later._

Do something. Do something or the guilt will eat at you. He’d learned that all too well in the past weeks, and the feeling was way too familiar to him. Keep yourself busy.

He needed to see what exactly he had done.

“I need to find Jean.”

* * *

 

Jean was sore in every part of his body. More than he had been in a long time. The next morning after his conversation with Conny and Sasha, he had quickly gotten up: inaction made him fidgety and he wasn’t really feeling _bad._ More beaten up, in fact. And not doing anything made him more aware of his aches.

He’d gone to Armin’s room to check on him, and found Eren and Mikasa there, watching over their friend. He had left quietly. Later, after he had caught curious glances from several of the few newly transferred soldiers, Hange had found him, asked how he was, and then taken up some of his time to discuss stuff. He was glad of that, it made him forget his dull pain and his worries as to how Armin would react.

Still feeling tired, he was now walking the corridor that led to their various bedrooms, intending to take a nap before dinner. But he first wanted to check on Armin again. He’d seen Eren and Mikasa when he had been leaving Hange’s office, which probably meant Armin was awake. Jean came up to the right door and knocked slightly. No answer. “Armin?” He knocked again. Still no answer. He hesitated at opening the door, just to be sure but decided against it and set out for his own room a few doors away.

“Jean!”

The sudden shout made him jump. His turned around at the familiar voice. Armin was coming toward him, looking very worried indeed. Jean saw his eyes widen when he looked at him. _Am I looking that bad?_ By the time he came up to Jean, Armin was almost out of breath.

“Jean! Are you ok? I’m sorry! It’s all my fault. I didn’t want to… I’m sorry…” he was talking so fast that Jean could barely make out the words. He looked as if he was going to crumble.

“Armin. Armin!” He finally managed to get through to him, grabbing his arm gently.

 “Calm down. Look. I’m ok. I’m fine.”

“But…”

Jean noticed that another soldier passing at the end of the corridor had stopped and was looking with curiosity in their direction. When he saw that Jean stared at him, he scuttled away. He reverted his gaze on Armin again, who still looked at him with a mix of horror and distress on his face.

“Come” he said. “Let’s sit down. You look as if you were about to collapse.”

Not letting go of the Armin’s arm, Jean slipped inside his room and closed the door with a soft thud. Armin sat heavily on the bed, still looking at him with dismay.

“I was looking for you since I woke up. But I couldn’t find you so I …got frightened. I wanted to be sure you were all right.” He paused. “You look terrible. I’m sorry. I did this. Does…Does it hurt much?”

Jean shrugged, then winced at the pain the gesture woke in him. “A bit.”  He said evasively. He didn’t want to lie. “And as if I’d been beaten up. But nothing really serious. Do I look that bad?”

Armin nodded.

“Well I may look terrible but I’m fine. I think you frightened the hell out of everyone, but no one got hurt badly. So calm down, ok?”

“Eren and Mikasa said as much” Armin nodded again. “But I still needed…I needed to make sure they didn’t…downplay your state so I wouldn’t feel bad.”

“If they did, then, they failed pretty miserably.”

A short, nervous laugh escaped from Armin.

“Jean, I’m sorry. I…”

“You’ve already said it at least five times.” Jean pointed out. “I got it. And I already told you it’s ok.”

“But I could have killed you! Or harmed someone else badly. I even hurt Mikasa. It’s…”

“Armin. You didn’t. And that’s all that counts. We all knew something like that might happen. We knew the risks. No one is blaming you. _I_ certainly don’t blame you for any of that.”

“I know but…I… I’m still incapable of controlling this power… Jean, what if… What if I never will? What if I’m too weak? It would all be for nothing! And I can’t… I can’t bear that. What if one day I _kill_ someone accidentally?”

He was wringing his hands relentlessly. Armin had voiced doubts and fears before but he was looking more desperate than he had in a long time. Jean stared at him for a few seconds then sat down beside him on the bed. He caught the young man’s wrist to stop him.

“Armin. Look at me, please.” When he did, Jean moved his hand toward his shoulder. “I know it’s hard. But you are _not_ weak. Stop saying that, you know it’s not true.” He paused “Yes, you can’t control it right now. That’s right. The opposite would have been surprising, and, honestly, frightening. Of course you can’t learn to do that so quickly. But it will work. I’m sure of that. You’ve got enough will in you to make it happen. Hell, look at Eren and how long it took _him_ to master his titan. So don’t blame yourself like that – and stop worrying endlessly. That won’t help you.”

Armin stared at him, then looked aside. “Eren said that too.”

Jean snorted “For once, I agree with him.”

He heard him make a sound that seemed like a mix between a nervous laugh and a sob.

“But…”

“Armin. You CAN learn to use it. Just give yourself some time. If you don’t believe in yourself, at least, believe _me_ when I say you can. Please?”

He had already said that several times before, but he was running out of words to say to help Armin overcome all that was blocking him.

“You’ve got this” He added as Armin still was avoiding his gaze.

Jean slid his left arm around his friend’s shoulders and tugged him a bit closer. He kissed him on the brow and felt the young man lean into the embrace as he gently rubbed his shoulder as an attempt at a comforting gesture.

“I’ll try. But I’m still sorry.” Armin finally said in a muffled voice.

“You’ll be fine.”

Empty words. Who knew? It wasn’t a statement. More of a wish. But he currently didn’t have much more to offer that the words he’d already told and his moral support.

Jean knew nothing he had said – or could still say – had erased Armin’s guilt regarding the previous day’s events. And probably wouldn’t work any better about the consequences of what had happened on that rooftop in Shiganshina. Not in a long time at least. That wasn’t going to vanish that easily. So, he just stayed silent, head leaned against Armins’s, offering and taking as much love and comfort as could be passed wordlessly.

Some time passed. It could have been an hour or just a few minutes, Jean wouldn’t have been able to tell. He shifted a bit, trying to find a more comfortable position without moving too much. He didn’t want to break that precious moment. Those were rare enough. But the sudden movement after so much time being still send a sharp bolt of pain through his left side.

He must have made some kind of sound of pain, because Armin suddenly lifted his head and drew back from him to look at his face, taking the pleasant warmth of his proximity with him.

“Jean?! Are you all right?”

“…Yeah.  Yes. It just…wasn’t the best position for me, I think.”

His neck hurt from having been bent too long. Everything hurt.

“Do you need to look after your wounds? I can help you…”

“Don’t worry, I can do it myself.”

He saw the other hesitate, bite his lips and then say.

“I know you can but… Can you still let me do it? I feel responsible. It’s stupid but…Can you… take that as a way to make up for it? Please?”

Jean hesitated only for a short half-second before smiling to him. He certainly wasn’t going to complain against the idea of Armin looking after him. Quite the opposite.

“If you don’t mind.”

Armin offered him a small, hesitant smile.

 “I don’t.”

* * *

 

Jean stared at Armin as he gently looked after the deepest gashes on his skin. He made a small, concerned sound, when Jean winced and groaned a bit when he moved his arm too much.

“Are you sure you didn’t break or twist anything in it?”

“I don’t think so. I can move it, it’s just painful. I’m getting tired of being hurt there. It barely had time to heal since last time. That sure didn’t help.”

Armin stared at him. He looked as if he was about to apologize once more, but bit his lips again and said nothing instead. He moved to put some balm on Jean’s burns and bruises. Closing his eyes, Jean felt the throbbing pain he’d barely been aware of anymore ease a bit. He sighted in relief.

“Thank you.”

**Author's Note:**

> Mmm, I’m not that good at writing worry – and comfort – I think? That was nice to try, though. The more I think about it, the less likely the events that are supposed to have led to this seem to me but whatever :D  
> I believe that Armin had much difficulty to accept and work with his new power at first, but finally managed to come to terms with it (with the help of his friends of course !) and kept this in mind while writing.  
> Kudos and comments are always appreciated, of course!


End file.
